Bill Hicks
I don’t understand anything, so there you go … You know what my problem is? I watch too much news, man. That’s my problem, that’s why I’m so depressed all the time. I figured it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don’t know if you’ve ever sat around and watched CNN more than, I don’t know, 20 hours in one day … I don’t recommend that. Watch CNN Headline News for 1 hour, it’s the most depressing thing you’ll ever fucking do. ‘WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION. WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS …’ Then, you look out your window … [makes cricket noises] Where’s all this shit happening? Ted Turner’s making this shit up! Jane Fonda won’t sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: ‘”By 1992, we will all die of AIDS.” Read that on the air. I don’t get laid, no one gets laid!’ I’m writing Jane Fonda: ‘Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?’ I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast: ‘Hey, it’s all going to work out. Here’s sports.’”