Well some fuck nut took out 8 people with a rifle in Ohmaha today before he offed himself.

“Now I’ll be famous,” he wrote in his suicide note. Yeah, famous for being a failure. Hardly anybody knew about this guy before today, but now we know:

Hawkins was fired from his job at a nearby McDonald’s this week and had recently broken up with a girlfriend, Maruca said.

Wow. Way to go champ. Now you’re going to be famous as the guy that flipped out after he got fired from fucking MCDONALD’S!

You see, because you took the lives of innocents before you did this we’re going to push it out of our minds as fast as possible. I can’t remember exactly what the clock tower shooter in Texas was named, nor what he did in any detail. The same goes for the Columbine Killers and pretty much every other rampaging nutjob.

If I wasn’t addicted to the news I probably wouldn’t even know about this. Nobody is going to email this story to me. Why? There’s no entertainment value in it. It’s a sad story.

Now, the Darwin Awards on the other hand… those get emailed around. And boy, do I remember them. Remember the crook that stole a 1911 from a WWII vet’s house along with an old box of ammo? That one’s classic. He loaded the gun up and attempted an armed robbery with it. When the gun failed to fire he looked down the barrel to investigate the problem. Diagnosis: Hangfire. Result: 230 grains of lead in the perps head. HILARIOUS! See, no loss of innocent life = hilarious.

When something like that happens the local news crews don’t set out to find every detail of the perps life. They just report what happened and move on while the population forwards the news story on. On the other hand, when you drop 8 innocent people in your final moments everybody wonders “what went wrong” and they set out to find every fucked up thing that was going on in your life. You will be remembered as a failure. You will be remembered as the guy that flipped out because he lost his job at MCDONALD’S! Your girlfriend will probably be interviewed and we’ll find out if you had any “performance” problems. We’re going to learn about every single mental health defect you were ever even suspected of having.

If you really want to go out in a way that will be remembered you’ve gotta make it FUNNY. Darwin Award style. Play with some explosives in a remote field until you figure out how you’re going to do it. Maybe you could try spelling our your name with the charges so it’ll get reported in the story. That would be good. Just make sure you’ve got a BAC around 0.08 when you do it so everybody chalks it up to an accident. Accidents that hurt people are funny as evidenced by America’s Funniest Home Videos. If you can get national air time for getting whacked in the balls with a whiffle bat surely you’ll get air time when you blow your own drunk ass up.

Hopefully future nutburgers will take this advice to heart and come up with a more creative way of offing themselves while still gathering the media attention that they want.

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