Is it that hard to find my house? The USPS and UPS can do it. I’ve got some nice gold numbers up on the garage and the mailbox is marked. Heck, you could figure out where I live if you knew which sides of the road had the even addresses, which one had the odd ones, and used your car’s odometer to mark off the distance from the nearest major intersection.

But, no, you can’t find my friggen house.

Theresa ordered up a book from Apple last week before the 4th. It’s got a bunch our engagement photos in it. No, you can’t see them. I look like a retard. I can’t believe I actually found a woman to marry me.

Anyway, the local FedEx depot gets it in their mitts by Tuesday morning and send it out on a truck that very day. Theresa is excited!!!11!!! ZOMG PICTURES RELATED TO WEDDING!!!

Alas, FedEx tracking shows that there’s an error in the address that night. No book on the doorstep. She calls up and verifies that yes, they do in fact have the correct address. All the letters and numbers match up. FedEx asks if there’s anyway to clarify where we live.

Well, yes there is. She let them know which county we live in. The pizza place makes that mistake sometimes. When looking at our address (sans zip code) one could make that mistake. The pizza place doesn’t ask for a zip, but FedEx has it, so there’s really no reason for them to make a mistake.

Wdnesday night and it’s still not here. Theresa calls them up again. Theresa explains to the customer service agent that she called about this yesterday. Agent says she sees no record of that. Theresa again explains what county we live in. Agent goes to enter that in and… yep, there’s the note of the previous call.

I check on the package status during Thursday, today, while I’m working from home. At 5pm they still show it as being in an error state, never put back on a truck, and the address is wrong in their system. I call this time. Sure enough, they tell me that nobody’s called yet. I give directions to our house with a little more detail. She goes to enter it and then sees the two previous calls. Wanting them to actually get the job done I ask where the local depot is and guess what? It’s all of 7 miles from our house. The complete directions to get to here from there would look like this:

Go [this way] until you get to [X avenue], turn left, continue until you get to [my road], turn right, continue until you get to [my address].

Obviously, Rocket. Fucking. Science of the highest complexity.

I just drove over, told them I was her husband, showed that I had the same address as her on my driver’s license, and picked the package up.

If they hadn’t let me take the package home I would have hit the local super-market upon leaving, grabbed some sidewalk chalk, and decorated my rather large driveway with rather large lettering indicating FedEx’s inability to locate it for 3 freaking days.

I’m still pissed. I’ll be avoiding FedEx as much as I can in the future. I’m not saying you should, perish the thought. But, in the interest of getting packages closer to my house than a WWII bombing raid in heavy clouds could, I’ll pick somebody else.