Answer: The dumbest way possible to heat an outdoor eating patio.

Question: What would be hanging industrial grade IR light beams 4′ above the diner’s heads?

Theresa and I ventured into a restaurant Saturday evening that she had read some good things about online. A nice place, good food, and the prices weren’t bad. So, we went there.

Upon arrival we were informed that we’d have to sit out on the patio because we didn’t have a reservation. That was fine by us as it was a nice evening with a comfortable temperature.

Walking out onto the patio I got hit with a blast of heat to my head. “Strange. Hope they don’t sit us next to wherever this god awful heat is coming from,” I thought. Walking to our seat I looked up and thought, “Are you fucking kidding me? These things are on!?” Oh hell.

We took our seats and both of us started squirming around trying to find shelter from the IR beams. My head’s sweating within minutes, because an IR light source doesn’t heat the ambient air, it just heats what it hits. Theresa looked up at it a few times, curious as to how the thing works, and shortly felt like her eyeballs were being cooked. A couple sitting across from us, further away from the IR light, were switching places to shield each other from the uncomfortable energy source.

It took longer than it should have, but we just walked out. I stuck it out because I knew she wanted to eat there and I suspect she stuck it out because she suggested the place. Once she said her eyes were burning that was it. It’s the only time I’ve ever walked out of a restaurant totally pissed off before any service was actually rendered.

I am absolutely stunned that a place like this can charge $25 a plate and stay in business. I’m sure the food is good, but you’d have to pay me to stand under an IR beam that damned closed to my head.

The place? Read Coach Inn, Niagra Falls, NY. I’d avoid it unless you’ve got a reservation or like being cooked under IR lamps.