Archive for the ‘People That Make Me Look Normal’ category

Stuff I Don’t Get

August 10th, 2010

Via Marko and Tam I found myself reading this bit on finding a guy at the gun show decked out in all sorts of incorrect military garb and doing the usual “I’m former Special Forces/Army Ranger/whatever” crap.

I just don’t “get” why people try and do this. For one you only have to spend 15 minutes watching two people that are actually in the military actually talk about their jobs before you realize there’s jargon and acronyms being tossed about constantly. Spotting a fake isn’t hard for anybody that’s served. Hell, I could probably do a good job of it and the closest I’ve ever come to combat is holding a buddy up by the shoulders when he was piss drunk taking a leak in his front yard rambling about the awful shit he saw happen to his friends in Iraq.

I was once asked, in all seriousness, if I was former military based on some stuff I said in a gun shop once*. I ran away from that label as fast as I could. I wasn’t offended by the assumption but I’d never try and pretend I’d enlisted.

*: A man of about 40 was in the shop with his son of about 25 looking for a home defense gun on a budget. The clerk suggested a Mossberg 500 or maybe a Remington 870 but they were interested in a pistol. The only thing they had within their budget was a Hi-Point which the clerk gave a “Meh” endorsement to so they declined. I pulled them aside and gave them a quick run down of the Makarov, brief history, noted the uncommon caliber, and countries of origin with instructions that there was a dealer at the local gun show at the time selling Bulgarians for $150. That was enough to make the older man ask me if I was former military. Go figure.

Omaha

December 5th, 2007

Well some fuck nut took out 8 people with a rifle in Ohmaha today before he offed himself.

“Now I’ll be famous,” he wrote in his suicide note. Yeah, famous for being a failure. Hardly anybody knew about this guy before today, but now we know:

Hawkins was fired from his job at a nearby McDonald’s this week and had recently broken up with a girlfriend, Maruca said.

Wow. Way to go champ. Now you’re going to be famous as the guy that flipped out after he got fired from fucking MCDONALD’S!

You see, because you took the lives of innocents before you did this we’re going to push it out of our minds as fast as possible. I can’t remember exactly what the clock tower shooter in Texas was named, nor what he did in any detail. The same goes for the Columbine Killers and pretty much every other rampaging nutjob.

If I wasn’t addicted to the news I probably wouldn’t even know about this. Nobody is going to email this story to me. Why? There’s no entertainment value in it. It’s a sad story.

Now, the Darwin Awards on the other hand… those get emailed around. And boy, do I remember them. Remember the crook that stole a 1911 from a WWII vet’s house along with an old box of ammo? That one’s classic. He loaded the gun up and attempted an armed robbery with it. When the gun failed to fire he looked down the barrel to investigate the problem. Diagnosis: Hangfire. Result: 230 grains of lead in the perps head. HILARIOUS! See, no loss of innocent life = hilarious.

When something like that happens the local news crews don’t set out to find every detail of the perps life. They just report what happened and move on while the population forwards the news story on. On the other hand, when you drop 8 innocent people in your final moments everybody wonders “what went wrong” and they set out to find every fucked up thing that was going on in your life. You will be remembered as a failure. You will be remembered as the guy that flipped out because he lost his job at MCDONALD’S! Your girlfriend will probably be interviewed and we’ll find out if you had any “performance” problems. We’re going to learn about every single mental health defect you were ever even suspected of having.

If you really want to go out in a way that will be remembered you’ve gotta make it FUNNY. Darwin Award style. Play with some explosives in a remote field until you figure out how you’re going to do it. Maybe you could try spelling our your name with the charges so it’ll get reported in the story. That would be good. Just make sure you’ve got a BAC around 0.08 when you do it so everybody chalks it up to an accident. Accidents that hurt people are funny as evidenced by America’s Funniest Home Videos. If you can get national air time for getting whacked in the balls with a whiffle bat surely you’ll get air time when you blow your own drunk ass up.

Hopefully future nutburgers will take this advice to heart and come up with a more creative way of offing themselves while still gathering the media attention that they want.

MA’s First Hanging

February 2nd, 2007

Thomas Granger was the first person hung in Massachusetts. Why? Well:

Granger, at the age of 16 or 17, was in 1642 caught in the act of bestiality with a mare

That’s pretty messed up.

a cow

Uhm?

two goats

Dude.

five sheep

Damn!

two calves

If it’s a young animal does that count as pedophilia?

and a turkey

Great googly moogly.

I think it’s safe to say that that boy wasn’t wired quite right.

Later, fruitcake.

August 9th, 2006

She lost the primary.

Denny’s taking it pretty well.

Time for a “People That Make Me Look Normal” category.

UPDATE: Heh.

As McKinney walked outside her campaign headquarters after losing her reelection bid to Hank Johnson, a boom microphone carried by a photographer struck members of McKinney’s entourage. In the confusion, McKinney staffers struck an 11Alive photographer and knocked his camera equipment to the ground.